No Going Back.

I’ve been spending my days trying to escape the numbness that I feel. I wanted happiness, I wanted inspiration, I wanted to be fulfilled but I continuously felt empty. I finally sat down and asked myself, How do I get back to me? I want the Old Mo back.

Initially, I was determined to feel like my  “old self” but I soon realized that she is no more. There were too many darks times and low places for her to still be here and still be sane.

So, here I am now. Wiser, slightly angrier, still searching and hoping for fulfillment. I wanted to get rid of the darkness and perhaps that’s where I failed. To cope with darkness, you must accept it as your truth. Then and only then will you be able to channel light.

Still, I am so damn tired.

I was in the middle of a discussion in my Black Girl Solidarity Facebook group when one member became particularly upset and decided to lash out by saying that some of the other members are angry Black women.

Damn, I thought…I really don’t give a shit.

She was right. I am angry. I’m pissed. I’m so damn tired. Why wouldn’t I be? Unlike her, I spend my days being sent threatening messages from Black men and women and angry white people. The bullshit never seems to end.

Because of my online activism, I feel obligated to login every single day. I stay plugged-in.

I watch for afar, observe up close and I’m sick of a lot of the shit that’s going down.

I’m tired of watching Black women be abused and murdered by Black men only to have their deaths justified by other Black women.

I’m tired of Dark-skinned Black women/femmes being traumatized and abused because of their complexion.

I’m tired of Black children being beaten and physically disciplined because their parents lack a moral compass and real parenting skills.

I’m tired of my radicalism being written off aggression.

I’m tired of fake, half-assed liberation. You’re not pro-Black if you’re a homophobe, a transphobe, a xenophobe, fatphobe, queetphobe, or a perpetuator of any other oppressive ideology/practice.

I’m tired of surface level revolution that only looks like “recreating Black wall street” to gain economic power. I’m ready to shut this shit down.

I’m tired of being force fed religion. I don’t get it.

I’m tired of my mental illness being ignored by those who should care the most. I tried praying about it and just didn’t fucking work.

I’m tired of half-assed friendships that past to dust.

I’m tired of misogynoir.

I’m tired of pedophilia in the “Black community”.

I’m tired of being told that I’m “too young” and I’ll “understand later”. I understand now and you’re a fucking idiot.

I’m tired of struggle love and the people who try to force that “wait for your man” shit down my throat. No. Forget that. If I’m expected to have my shit together, his should be too.

I’m tired of white “allies” being valued more than Black activists because they’re “race traitors”.

I’m tired of Black trans women being murdered simply for existing.

I’m tired of the mediocrity that is 2016.

 

 

I quit.

 

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